When you’re in a dark place, it’s hard sometimes to find the light switch.
It could be right next to your hand and still, you could fumble for so long just trying to find it.
For the dark can be disorienting.
Convincing you it’ll fasten on for good with its unseen claws and smothering armhold.
Depression is like that-
It’s something I am rather well-acquainted with after my 40-plus years and many miles on this earth.
I could and have pointed to the varying circumstances in my life as to why I have spent so much time in the pits.
The world and even many believers would nod their heads as I shared about the physical and emotional turmoil of my youth.
They’d be breathless as I told the tale of a ministry dream robbed, a marriage betrayed, and a mother of three left behind.
Of discovering special needs in my children, of scraping poverty, of the pain to rebuild a life, remarry, and reimagine…
Heck, it was enough to write a book.
And I did…once upon a time. Printed and everything. 🙂
But, where I wanted and still want to testify to all the pits He rose me from, I don’t want to necessarily linger in those stories anymore.
For in lingering comes the temptation to wallow.
And wallowing never helped a Jesus girl grow up in Him.
It’s not that it’s “put on a sunny fake smile for the world, deny sorrow, and then cry to myself.”
Been there, done that, worn the ugly T-shirt. 😏
No, rather, it is an unflinching acknowledgement of the fact depression is there.
Going to be there.
Woke up with its grayness this very morning.
Where one would wonder if trust in Christ has made any difference if I still have that going on, I’d have to say I can actually understand why.
Aren’t we Christians supposed to float on a carefree bubble singing about how happy we all are? 🙂
But, there is a difference and it comes in this:
I own the presence of depression, it doesn’t own me.
God’s the only owner I desire.
And then, of course, there is the giving over every mucky emotion to Him. Nothing can be accomplished without it.
As many times as I need to throughout the day. Thank you, Lord, for never wearying of it.
This difference also means not pummeling myself or making myself feel less a Christian for not being able always to “put on a happy face”.
Scripture is packed full of evidence Christianity is not all skipping down a pretty, rose-petal path, anyway.
As well as reminders joy is not the same as happiness. Happy dissipates when circumstances sour, but joy?
Well, joy is our strength, that which abides beyond the temporal overhang of darkness.
In our core of cores where we know Jesus lives, hope eternal and wellspring of life.
And that will never dissipate.
So, where I could resist these harder emotions or just sink down in them, I choose neither.
Instead, I allow for the tears, navigating honestly, reaching beyond what I can’t see here on earth for what I know to be true in heaven.
I snatch out in the dark for the Word and for heartfelt prayer, knowing He is right there next to my searching hand.
Always ready to help me find the light switch. 😉
If you find yourself in the dark, please feel free to contact me via the info page. Prayers and blessings to you.