This post has been a wrestling match.
I start. I stop. I delete. I rephrase.
I try to reshape the premise altogether.
Talk about this. I feel the Lord say.
That’s too much about me. I mumble. Already been vulnerable lately. And, besides, this blog isn’t supposed to be about me. It’s right there in the tagline.
And Who is the one directing you? He replies gently but firmly. Don’t question. Just go.
Sigh. Ok. So…
Something to know about me:
I go about most of my days rather quietly, unobtrusively, mostly only interacting with the souls I find here or the ones who share my home.
Church garners a few minor interactions a week, and, every so often, comes the ones through my children’s schools or the grocery store.
But, overall, my disabilities, the disabilities of my loved ones-that which I have strived not to dwell on with you, readers-do have this tendency to keep me somewhat housebound.
What are these things I’ve yet to bring up? Well…
EDS (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome) and autism. Two constant companions on the journey.
I have long ago reconciled they are there. Going to be there.
But, no worries.
Still find lots of reasons for joy lots of days.
That said, I’d be lying if I didn’t acknowledge there are numerous times my faith has been known to flag.
Big surprise? Didn’t think so. 🙂
To put it simply, I can get bogged down in a heartbeat by emotional and physical pain.
And all the things I am unable to do that has represented in my life.
I think that’s why I try to stay busy around here, to be honest. That way I feel like I am compensating for the “can’ts”.
But, of course, where that brings a certain amount of relief in getting things done, that isn’t exactly the same as a rock-solid faith.
It’s silly, but I keep feeling my acts of faith should be about something infinitely deeper than slogging through the household chores ignoring my hollering joints.
Or encouraging my kids through their challenges.
Helping my husband through a tough business day.
Saying a prayer for the lost He places on my heart.
Scrawling a few lines about Jesus here.
And yet, perhaps, not.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I feel Him telling me:
Maybe small acts are bigger than we think, when done in Him.
Maybe small acts done in Him are what He has asked of us.
It looks different for each one, but maybe all our lofty desires are what can actually get in the way of what He wants for us.
Maybe even just being faithful to write what He asked me to write tonight instead of all the profound things I had circulating in my head was my witness this day. 😏
I don’t know.
Doesn’t seem like much.
I’m mumbling again.
Yeah, but just give it to Me.
He’s chuckling affectionately in reply, as if to say, You should know by now, silly girl…
Ok, Lord. I blow out a breath and put my feeble words in His hands. Do with them-and with me-what You will.
May this be our prayer every day, friends.