A short follow-up to what I fear was a long ramble of a testimony a couple of days ago.
If you don’t have time to go there now, I can understand. It’s a lot to process and it wasn’t even half of the tale!
Essentially, it is a piece of my life from abusive beginnings to redemption in Christ, with many stops in between, including a suicide attempt.
That last is the stop I am concerned I did not address enough.
It could just be my worrier inside, as she likes to work overtime, picking at threads until whole sections of fabric unravel. 🙄
Still, I’d like to go a bit further in the vein today, to ensure any who struggle with this indescribable pain will know someone out there gets it.
When I alluded to the idea the dark spector of suicide did not visit me for long, I didn’t intend to minimize the experience or pretend it was “sprinkle a bit of prayer” and it was just over and done, like that.
Oh, no. Not at all!
It’s not like I’ve gotten lots of emails and comments making that particular accusation. This is still a very quiet piece of the Internet here, after all. 😉
Rather, as said, I have quite an active worrier inside and she’s feeling somewhat sensitive to the possibility not enough was emphasised the other day.
So…yes, whereas I can say God drew me out of the intensest piece of the desire to end my life fairly quickly after my attempt, I will never pretend it was easy.
Far from it.
It has been perhaps one the fiercest, thickest battles of my life.
More than once, the whispers have swirled around me that perhaps things would’ve been easier for those around me had I been successful in my attempt.
Hard stuff to own up to as a believer, but true.
I cannot pretend depression has not been a constant thorn in my side before or since.
It’s honestly a daily faith walk.
But, the difference is, I have Jesus to help me take that next step.
To dissipate the clouds of taunting words around me.
And He does, every time, no matter how many times I have to ask.
The key is simple really, but it is a key to be turned and turned.
And turned again:
I don’t have to fight this alone.
Or even pretend there aren’t times I feel alone despite knowing that fact.
Because, there are going to be days it’s honestly hard to hear His voice.
Not because He’s not there or not listening or I didn’t do enough or say all the right things.
Rather, it is because life is just a gritty thing to sift through.
Suicide is a very thorny thing to survive.
There is much to contend with.
But, we just have to keep bringing it all to Him.
Everyday. Every hour. Every moment.
For as many moments as He grants us.
The bravery in survival isn’t that we somehow survived.
Rather, it is in surrendering to Him every second of that survival.
Even if we fear a misstep, He is there to guide our course.
I hope this better addressed and expanded on the issue of suicide in my life and perhaps resonated with someone who may need to know there is hope in the person of Jesus and in those who are here and ready to pray with you. Please feel free to reach out, even if it’s just a step. I don’t have all the answers, but I know One who does. Blessings to you!