There is a time for everything under heaven, according to Ecclesiastes 3:1.
But, the knowing of what to do and when is sometimes like peering into the fog.
Everything is murky from intentions to executions thereof when mist shrouds judgment.
Such has something in my life been of late…
This situation, of which the particulars matter not here, has arisen of the longing to help an individual who is in desperate need.
Frankly, I was not first to see it. I, shamefully, had to be dragged kicking and screaming into it.
Mostly for the fact pieces of said situation pierced at tender points in my past.
Causing surprisingly bitter rancor to ooze out as a result.
After all this time and all these years…
It tasted terrible!
Would that I had immediately spat it out as such, but there is something about resentment.
It’s hard to extract once begun.
So, some of me feels I should do penance, so to speak, for having the capacity yet for such hateful thoughts.
I should care more, I chided myself recently.
I worked on caring more.
Time and again pleading with the Lord to take away the acidic sensations inside, to replace it with the compassion I knew I ought to have.
I did things I didn’t necessarily feel motivated to do for this individual but knew needed to be done, praying my feelings would fall in line with this painful obedience to His call.
I struggled and strived to yank back the drapes tightly held on my soul to begin letting this person in, to open the door for my dearly loved partner in these mercies to move more freely, as he wished.
Then, just as I began to feel like we were all rounding a corner, unhappy truths began to stare me in the face.
Inklings I had had instincts on, but feared to voice out of a sense it would just be my mixed emotions talking, or, at least, be perceived so.
Yet, red alerts would continually blink at me none the less.
I gave them over to God, begging for wisdom, only to take them back, fretting my way through them for a while before beginning the process over again.
Finally, I surveyed the need and the recurring cancer of it despite all our efforts, and saw clearly what God was telling me.
It was time to refrain.
Not for my petty complaints. Not out of spite.
But for the sake of this individual who took our help, our love of the Lord, and seemed to accept it.
Yet, enacted no lasting change.
Not for herself or for those the Lord entrusted her with.
So…just this week came a time to put one foot in front of the other, take some needed actions, and put some distance between us.
Without the shadows of anger humming over us as before.
Rather, with the Lord’s love and prayers between us.
My heart contracts with the heaviness of it all.
After all, God does direct us to answer need when it’s right in front of us, does He not?
Yet, there does also come that place when we must recognize assisting has tipped into enabling, leaving help a rather moot point.
And, for the sake of love, He directs us to walk away.
I pray this is a not-for-always.
I pray the seeds planted will still one day sprout.
But, whether it is us or another to do the watering, I cannot say.
Only the Keeper of Time has it all in His hand.
The whens, whats, and whys are all there. We need only trust the Lord in the fog and He will make it clear.
In His time. 🙂
Prayers and blessings, friends! May we all seek to hold on to Him and allow Him to direct us through all our various times.