It’s been a long while since I really spoke of my hurt.

It occurred to me recently that many of you newer readers may not even know that much about it beyond snippets still given here and there.

A dig through the more distant reaches of my archives would enlighten, of course.

And I can make it more convenient by indicating that you may click here for perhaps the best rundown, if so inclined.

But, overall, there are reasons I resist touching too much on it.

I haven’t wanted to feel as though I am eliciting sympathy or sinking down into the past and staying there.

I also don’t want to dip into any unfair comparisons from past to present.

Insecurity has a way of painting everything in dark, foreboding shades.

What may, in fact, be unintentional on the part of a loved one now looks like the same heart-shattering experience as before when glimpsed through the lens of an oft-wounded soul.

Still, I am nothing if not honest here.

The fact is, though I speak often of “Be still and know that I am God”-something I am truly striving to live in the light of every day-there is a growing melancholy weighing on my heart at present.

A deep-seated sadness settling in that is stealing at my ability to rightly express it.

Depression has long been with me, mind you. We are certainly not strangers.

More than once, it nearly snuffed the life out of me, in fact.

Now, it is something that hovers in the background and makes itself known by turns.

Right now? It’s a “making itself known” season.

I fight to go to sleep with this heaviness these days, reawakening frequently, an unidentifiable fear cloaking me in the midslumber haze.

Where it is coming from, I can cast about a few ambiguous notions, but, where there are some aspects of my life to definitively point to as a source, I can’t necessarily call too much of it concrete.

Is it all rooted in my past, so littered as it is by abuse and abandonment?

Or is it my ever-present anxiety over signs that such pain, real or no, is or is about to revisit me?

Angry shouts do ring in my head long after they have ceased and have an unfortunate tendency to visit me in my dreams.

It’s quite the challenge to rest my soul in any “it is well” feeling, even when life is managing fairly pleasantly, let alone when it is not.

For there is the nearly constant question mark in my head:

“When’s the next time the wounding will come?”

How will it come?”

And-“Will I be able to sustain myself following it?”

Now, there are days I can rightly shove this aside and recall to myself just Who my sustainer is.

Most days, in fact.

But, other days?

Ah, other days, I find myself forgetting.

Perhaps, it is the old recordings in my head getting louder, stating in dismissive tones how try as I might, I’m still just no good.

A loser.

A wimp.

A tramp.

Unwanted.

Unworthy.

Unable.

And I know that I know that that is most emphatically not true-not in God’s eyes!

But…circumstances make my hands slow to switch off the tape sometimes.

So…what do I do?

Dig myself further in one way or another.

Either into deeper wells of sorrow, cranking up that ugly noise and feeding upon the slow death of it.

Not a good thing!

Or…the better part-

I dig in deeper to prayer.

To worship.

To His words-to me and for me.

The far superior well to spend my time in by far!

Full of Living Water ready for the drinking in.

Bread of Life to feed upon.

Brothers and sisters that come alongside and nourish you even further in encouraging words.

And, of course, The One who intimately knows sorrow to carry the burden of it beside me.

It doesn’t mean I don’t still feel what I feel.

There’s a funny little truth about hurt.

It does not disappear in a snap.

Painful memories are long and thoughts often remain reactionary.

Trust is a shaky rope bridge at best.

Time to heal is key and, even then, some scars are prominent.

But, in that gift that is time, wounds can be eased, joys resurrected, trust finds firmer feet, and life continues on…

With all its seasons of delight and grief, smooth planes and blessed bumps alike.

Not absent of hurt by any means.

But, perhaps, richer for it.

Whatever season you find yourself in, dear friends, may you find the well full of the riches of life in the Lord! Blessings and prayers! ❤

37 thoughts on “At the Well

      1. Don’t face it alone. As always I encourage you to keep praying and seeking the Lord. But I’m always around if you have absolutely nobody else to talk to.

        Liked by 2 people

  1. You’re right, having brothers and sisters in Christ can make all the difference, and lately the enemy seems to be taking advantage of our involuntary isolation. I hope and pray you have friends who will be there for you – I wish I could. I hope getting the feelings out on paper (or on screen) has helped. Just know you’re not alone. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, Annie! ❤Yes, I think isolation has been hard on us all. I am blessed in having a couple of people only a phone call or text away. And very much appreciate the friendships I have found here. God has such a way of connecting people.

      Like

  2. I’m thankful we have gotten the opportunity to testify of Jesus’ goodness in the midst of the storm. We all are dealing with so long a list of “negatives”, but I see we are still speaking of the things on the “positive” list. Jesus is truly victorious. It is that beauty of victory that I see in you and others. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Amen! Yes, even in the midst of all these negatives, may His name be lifted high! So glad to know He is coming through me here and glad you got something out of this, friend! You are most welcome and thank you! 😊

      Like

      1. Glad to hear!

        Still discouraged with the blog… lol! Really feeling it right now. Allowing it to take up my time and the same old stuff.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. You got on my mind and wouldn’t leave so I had to ask. Because even though I have never seen you or anything, you are my sister. And I care.

        I went through a 🤪 phase with the blog again. But I’m better. This blog is like being on a motorcycle and that one little rock in the road…

        I hope you’re ok. I’m here if you need me.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you so much, John! No lie-it has not been an easy go in this season of my life. I feel like God is preparing me to be upended in many ways and I can well imagine more to write down the road if He so grants it but He is calling for me to give my brain a real break at this point-not one where I stubbornly force the end because I miss being here or fret I will be forgotten if I don’t produce something post haste ( True story from breaks past.😏). I love being considered your sister. I think of you as a dear brother that gets me-a wonderful rarity! Most definitely relate to the motorcycle and the rock in the road. So appreciate the prayers. You’ve always got mine, too.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. If you need rest then please rest! Like so many people tell me, your real friends here will be waiting for you when you come back!

        So, I’m patiently waiting!

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s