Hello, there, dear friends! I have been continuing on, digging deep into my heart, searching the Word, searching my soul.

Listening to a lot of tunes, one of which I will share below when I am done rambling. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Anyway….really, essentially, I am working a lot on who I am in Him and what He has for me…

I turned 43 last month…and I feel it-if not significantly more.

No…you didn’t miss it.

I purposefully did not disclose the day here or with many in my offline world. No offense, but I just didn’t feel like it. ๐Ÿ™‚

It’s not a tragedy or anything. It’s a testament to how far He has brought me, really.

Yet…I have found myself less than thrilled with it.๐Ÿ˜

Now, I hestitate to deem this a typical “midlife” crisis though it has many of the earmarks.

I find myself wondering often if I’m enough.

Am I doing enough?

Am I being enough?

Despite my rep for cooking for and hanging out with our little youth group, I am also famously reclusive here in my little town.

A big part of that is due to the physical limitations…

And other parts?

Mentally, emotionally, socially?

It’s just…who I am.

I dearly, dearly love people. I care from the depths of my soul.

Empathy is a major component He has placed on my heart, as is intercessory prayer.

Yet…I really intensely struggle to be around many people for very long. Some folks I feel downright uncharitable about. And it’s getting more profound the more years I add.

And that is just being around them. Forget engaging in conversation!

It’s disconcerting. I waffle between feeling the need to apologize for myself and to defend my oft-noted, very introverted territory.

And, sadly, I am just as well known for the list of “I can’ts” or “can’t anymores”, as the case may be.

Driving.

Traditional employment.

Being on my feet too long or on any uncertain terrain.

Climbing.

Running.

Dancing.

Lifting things of any significant weight.

Opening jars.

Sit-ups.

Being in a crowd.

Holding an infant in my arms.

Wrangling toddlers.

Selling books.

Selling myself. ๐Ÿ™„

And that is but a partial list.

I’d write more, but that’d belabor the point.

It can be a tad depressing to read, to be sure.

And, yet…lately, I have begun to ask myself: do I use it as a crutch?

Oof.

Dare I admit it can become an… excuse?

A way to not have to push myself beyond comfortable bounds?

I don’t know.

Perhaps.

Can lingering on my fears and tucking myself in tight to my limitations become an actual…sin?

Oh, dangerous territory indeed, especially to an ex-charismaniac!

So much of the belief system prescribed in the name-it-and-claim-it crowd depends on only talking positivity over oneself and calling all sorts of things that are not as though they are. As if the power rests alone in my little, feeble hands!

I don’t want to go back to those places in my mind that displace a sovereign God. Ever.

Too often did I browbeat myself for not “stepping out” in some things-certain it proved a severe “lack of faith” not to believe I was going to be absolutely in divine health and prosperity because God told me to declare it so.

Never mind some thorns in our sides are not necessarily meant to be removed.๐Ÿ˜

But, in that, Paul still went out and did what God had for him to do.

So…it stands to reason God asks me to do so, too.

But exactly what?

There were times in my life I thought I knew.Now? Everything, every wheel turning in my brain, every joint in my body feels…rusty.

So…the search for the what goes on, if a bit slowly. I have ideas in baby form, but are they mine or are they God’s?

Well…

I guess I’ll know it when I land on it.

But, to land on it, I will have to keep venturing, even with the protest choir crying in the back of my head.๐Ÿ˜

Because if there is one thing I want, it’s to pull away from these hinderances that bog me down in sin and self-loathing.

I want to be in the light, as He is in the light.

And I have to learn to accept the thorn in my side at the same time as I seek the ways He has for me to live in His light.

And this introduces to the promised song, straight from another beloved 90’s Christian Band, DC Talk.

Oh, how many days did they inspire my soul!

Would that I could just share their entire catalog.

So, so many of their songs resonate from The Hard Way to Jesus Freak, from What if I Stumble? (That long, long ago in a galaxy far away I sang as a duet at church๐Ÿ™‚) to Consume Me.

But, this week, In the Light and its raw, powerful lyrics stir me in particular. This is my heart’s cry, in fact. May it be all of ours. Have a listen and draw near to His light. Blessings and prayers. And I thank you for yours. โค

25 thoughts on “In the Light

  1. We all have a purpose and nothing is meaningless. And we all go through phases or chapters in our lives when we question what is next. Just to let you know a little something, Iโ€™m older than you are and Iโ€™m finishing a bachelors degree and hoping God leads me in a path to do His will. Keep your faith in God, He has your hand and is guiding you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Momโ€™ing, wifeโ€™ing, Marisaโ€™ing… thatโ€™s a job all of itโ€™s own. Hence, I forgive your absences. But I do much enjoy it when youโ€™re around!!

    I broke down today… I hankering for some heaviness…. so I listened to some good old Living Sacrifice. (A Christian Metal band)

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Theyโ€™re heavier than heavy lol!! Slayer and Metallica canโ€™t compare. Reborn was probably their most biblical album. Musically The Hammering Process is the best.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. To keep venturing even with the protest choir in the back of your head to land on what God would want – that is something I found I can relate too.
    I try not to jump into anything based on emotion ( used to do that when I was younger) and let it sit with me. I Pray to God about it and give something a go with the thought that I can step out of it if it doesnโ€™t feel right anymore. And if it is something God plans for me when we keep doing it with prayer and submission even if it gets hard we will still know deep down that we are meant to continue.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I am teaching a youth study tomorrow on “Why Christians should love the Bible Jesus Read” (aka Old Testament) if you would have time to pray however the Lord lays us on your heart, I would really appreciate it!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I am 25 years older than you, and there are a lot of things I “can’t” do any more, but it helps me hone in on what GOD wants me to do. I used to have way too much on my plate. I did everything others wanted me to do – because I could. I was stressed and burdened. Now I have changed the “can’t” to “don’t have to.” People’s expectations are lower, and I’m given more space to do what I can/should/enjoy. It sounds like you’re a bit of a music connoisseur. Just from your dialogue with journalofthegrey, I can tell you could provide some interesting, stimulating conversation in that area.
    PS Right now my excuse for everything is Covid. “Sorry dinner’s not ready yet. (Covid.) No, I didn’t clean the house. (Covid.)” ๐Ÿ˜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, how I love your perspective, dear Annie! That is great! Yes, indeed, I do love my music! I get a bit tongue-tied in person versus typing/writing but I have been known to get going fairly well on it as well as classic film and TV in a one on one setting. My husband loves it when he is sure he has seen some actor but can’t remember where from. He also hates it when he realizes he’s started one of my “lecture series” on the career of whoever he’s asked about. ๐Ÿ˜„

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