Hey there, dear friends. Long time, no write.
I don’t know if that title is totally accurate. Perhaps it should be on the flip-flop, but, you know, whatever.
Who am I to change the Beatles’ phrasing?😏
Suffice it to say, I came back to say “hello”, let you know I am still a part of that rarified group that breathes and functions day to day.
God is still good, still as ever on His throne.
I feel His presence guiding me further on.
So…why the “goodbye” part of the title then?🤔
Well, again, to my consternation, I find His directions are vastly different to the norm-at least, as far as humanity is concerned. The norm is to plunge dead ahead, come what may.
Keep going, keep writing, keep sharing.
And, yet, instead, as I find every few years or so, He is directing me to shutter the shop.
Oh, please, don’t worry for me! I will be fine.
I am old hat at this, you might say. 😏
Now, different circumstances, different causes…
Where leaving the blogging world shares a sense of discouragement in every instance, each has had its own lessons learned, its own level of reasoning reached.
I have gone from one sad, little, oft-injured foundling, licking her wounds, erasing any trace of her work, to one more seasoned, scars still twinging now and again, but more assured of the Lord and the infinite wonder of a relationship with Him above any human aspiration.
But, the fact remains, I am tired. I crave a deeper rest in Him. One without so many outer demands (Not that I call any of you demanding by any means! Far from it. No…this is more about that which is self-imposed.)
And, yet, rest craved is not always the rest hoped for. For, life circumstances are juxtaposed in such a way right now that time for rest may prove elusive for other reasons.
Namely, financially speaking. I have not wanted to be frank here, but I feel us heading down a hole.
I fear the future, though I should not.
I look to my pitiful resources, my utter lack of skill, my uncooperative body, and my monsterous educational gaps, and see few answers.
It’s an ultimate catch-22 and I can’t say I don’t taste some bitterness over the fact.
So…let’s just try and sum it up honestly:
No experience in anything my body can yet do, no education to do otherwise, disability a slippery, potentially costly trail to nail down properly, no money or time in present circumstances to pursue anything that would make us sustainable income.
I know, I know. People go back to school every day.
Online and what-have-you.
But, how many have an autistic 19-year-old that no longer qualifies for disability himself by bureaucratic standards, is going to college to try to prove they’re right, but, that really, really still needs you in the meantime? And a soon-to-be senior poised for his next scholastic adventure that needs not be lost in the shuffle because he doesn’t have that ASD label?
Not to mention a near-16-year-old autistic beauty with stars in her eyes and a boatload of struggles?
And an 8-year-old boy sans diagnosis but still much in need?
Oh, and add to that a husband whose body is dwindling and business has seen a lot of feast or famine and very little steady flow in-between.Yet, what else can he do? Ex-felons don’t get many opportunities, especially ones saddled with the lot he’s got. I can’t even drive anybody any place away from the -don’t get me wrong, it’s nice-but utter nothingness that is rural life.
And I am too socially inept, frankly, to look to anyone else to assist, as if I have that sort of relationship with anybody here.
Not that there’s no kind people here. To the contrary. There are.
But, to know people like that?
So…stuck spinning my wheels and trying to remind myself to pray, knowing full well from dozens of experiences that His providence is ever faithful.
And yet, also feeling sitting on my duff writing my woes here is not what He’d have for me to deal with these present hardships.
Just what else He has, I still for the life of me cannot seem to see. Everywhere I look so far are closed doors and some even with large “No Trepassing” signs tacked to the front, glaring red at me. A pretty frustrating and depressing state of affairs, I tell you.
But, I do not spell out all these unhappy particulars to cry, “Pity me!”. Far from it.
There is actually nothing that makes my independent little being squirm more.
But…this agony of self-doubt and somber reflection is all I’ve got at present and all I can see having for some time.
Not to mention that if I do manage a new position in life, either by squeezing myself into something my body and mind will be screaming at me for later or the odd happenstance occurs in a door I hope for cracking open, I cannot see fitting this WordPress world in with my limited energy.
Hence, the stirring I feel towards goodbyes.
And…where I most EMPHATICALLY will not wipe away this body of work and record of God-infused interaction here this blog around, I don’t want to linger over it or second guess it any further.
I love writing. I love a way this introverted, pain-riddled, self-diagnosed autistic being can feel safe to interact with my fellow Jesus people.
But, whereas I cannot say I am exactly built for the way life goes in this incredibly insane, fast-track world, neither can I say as I was ever built for a long-term version of this online life, either.
Because I arrive at different versions of this same place every time (Hello, friends in-the-know. 😏).Even setting the perimeters to my liking did only so much for so long. It was albeit my longest blogging venture, for which I feel some sense of accomplishment, I guess, but, even this I find myself in need to lay down.
And so…I reluctantly but necessarily put aside this particular version of my blogging venture and bid a fond farewell.
I will never say never-I know myself too well for that, but I think I really need to step away without feeling the obligation to return.
To try to catch some sort of vision of a life out there and hope for His hand to lead.
Know how much I cherish each of you and the dear fellowship we have found here. You are ever in my heart and prayers. ❤
Blessings to you.