Hello, there, dear friends! I have been continuing on, digging deep into my heart, searching the Word, searching my soul.
Listening to a lot of tunes, one of which I will share below when I am done rambling. 😉
Anyway….really, essentially, I am working a lot on who I am in Him and what He has for me…
I turned 43 last month…and I feel it-if not significantly more.
No…you didn’t miss it.
I purposefully did not disclose the day here or with many in my offline world. No offense, but I just didn’t feel like it. 🙂
It’s not a tragedy or anything. It’s a testament to how far He has brought me, really.
Yet…I have found myself less than thrilled with it.😏
Now, I hestitate to deem this a typical “midlife” crisis though it has many of the earmarks.
I find myself wondering often if I’m enough.
Am I doing enough?
Am I being enough?
Despite my rep for cooking for and hanging out with our little youth group, I am also famously reclusive here in my little town.
A big part of that is due to the physical limitations…
And other parts?
Mentally, emotionally, socially?
It’s just…who I am.
I dearly, dearly love people. I care from the depths of my soul.
Empathy is a major component He has placed on my heart, as is intercessory prayer.
Yet…I really intensely struggle to be around many people for very long. Some folks I feel downright uncharitable about. And it’s getting more profound the more years I add.
And that is just being around them. Forget engaging in conversation!
It’s disconcerting. I waffle between feeling the need to apologize for myself and to defend my oft-noted, very introverted territory.
And, sadly, I am just as well known for the list of “I can’ts” or “can’t anymores”, as the case may be.
Being on my feet too long or on any uncertain terrain.
Lifting things of any significant weight.
Being in a crowd.
Holding an infant in my arms.
Selling myself. 🙄
And that is but a partial list.
I’d write more, but that’d belabor the point.
It can be a tad depressing to read, to be sure.
And, yet…lately, I have begun to ask myself: do I use it as a crutch?
Dare I admit it can become an… excuse?
A way to not have to push myself beyond comfortable bounds?
I don’t know.
Can lingering on my fears and tucking myself in tight to my limitations become an actual…sin?
Oh, dangerous territory indeed, especially to an ex-charismaniac!
So much of the belief system prescribed in the name-it-and-claim-it crowd depends on only talking positivity over oneself and calling all sorts of things that are not as though they are. As if the power rests alone in my little, feeble hands!
I don’t want to go back to those places in my mind that displace a sovereign God. Ever.
Too often did I browbeat myself for not “stepping out” in some things-certain it proved a severe “lack of faith” not to believe I was going to be absolutely in divine health and prosperity because God told me to declare it so.
Never mind some thorns in our sides are not necessarily meant to be removed.😏
But, in that, Paul still went out and did what God had for him to do.
So…it stands to reason God asks me to do so, too.
But exactly what?
There were times in my life I thought I knew.Now? Everything, every wheel turning in my brain, every joint in my body feels…rusty.
So…the search for the what goes on, if a bit slowly. I have ideas in baby form, but are they mine or are they God’s?
I guess I’ll know it when I land on it.
But, to land on it, I will have to keep venturing, even with the protest choir crying in the back of my head.😏
Because if there is one thing I want, it’s to pull away from these hinderances that bog me down in sin and self-loathing.
I want to be in the light, as He is in the light.
And I have to learn to accept the thorn in my side at the same time as I seek the ways He has for me to live in His light.
And this introduces to the promised song, straight from another beloved 90’s Christian Band, DC Talk.
Oh, how many days did they inspire my soul!
Would that I could just share their entire catalog.
So, so many of their songs resonate from The Hard Way to Jesus Freak, from What if I Stumble? (That long, long ago in a galaxy far away I sang as a duet at church🙂) to Consume Me.
But, this week, In the Light and its raw, powerful lyrics stir me in particular. This is my heart’s cry, in fact. May it be all of ours. Have a listen and draw near to His light. Blessings and prayers. And I thank you for yours. ❤